Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Die with "T"

Those of you who know me understand that I am a big unit. Not tall, but impressively thick. Even when I am not fat I am impressively thick. Well, used to be anyway. Now I am just fat.

And like every fat bastard I have attempts changing my lifestyle and getting healthy, eat the right food, do the exercises, you know the caper. I'm doing it right now.

Which means I have been living off salad and oats. Not oats exactly, muesli to be exact. Which is a grain eaters bubble & squeak I suppose. And there is an effect. Boy oh boy there is an effect. 

My turds are now monsters. 

And they have a mind of their own too. "Let me out" they scream, 

And I cant deny them, like a mother giving birth I have little control, I have to find a porcelain bus right now.

Which brings me to shopping for curtains. Which was today's "thing". The poor shop assistant in Freedom thought I was mad - two sentences and there I go off to the kassie. Again. And again. 

Ooops, here we go again, be back later,


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Things I See

So on public transport today. I hate buses. Really do.

Opposite me sat a small Thai girly. You know the type, makeup perfect, not a hair out of place. Sexy as.

I said to myself;

"Please dont get an erection, please dont get an erection"

But, dammit, she did.


The First Day

I sit here before my screen with a sick hangover, suffering a mid life crisis. I am nearly gargling on the leftovers in the back of my throat, and I think there is some gravel in there too.

I am getting too old for this shit.

Mind you at 4 am in the morning, hurling down the street astride a shopping trolley with one beer in my hand and twenty in my belly, I felt just great. Top of the World, couldn't be better. But dragging myself from bed, finding a trolley in the room, blood on my clothes and my favourite girlfriend sick on the lounge I have to consider where I am going. 

I think the blood has something to do with the shopping trolley.

Seriously now.

So here is my dialog to myself. If you read this then I hope you enjoy it.